SATIRE: Move over BTS! There’s a hot new boy band in town

At guitar is the boy George Arroyo (Credit: Styles Avant-Pinkston)

By Styles Avant-Pinkston ’19

Backstreet Boys? More like get back in the streets, boys. NSYNC? More like out of sync. One Direction? More like go one direction and never come back. BTS? More like BLTs because that is what they’re going to be making when they are made unemployed by the next hot, new boy band. Oh yes that’s right, The Pritzker Press is bringing the scoop on the hottest, blazeingest, boilingest, humidest, and very warmest boy band of all time: Pritzker Beats Club, also known as Beats.

These boys, and one man, have been making a buzz on the underground scene with their iconic and show stopping performances at Pritzker’s  talent shows, the equivalent of, like, two American Idols and half of America’s Got Talent,  that would make every boy band go “Bye Bye Bye.” Word on the street is that Beats doesn’t even perform their own songs. They remix a popular song and make it 10x better, thus making it their own or a “G-MIX” as the boys call it. Due to the band not releasing their taxes, it is not known if profit is being made off these performances. If so, that would be highly illegal and would make this band the hardest, gangsterest boy band of all-time–that’s hardcore, man. UPDATE: I’ve been informed by men in black suits that any profit made by Beats’ performances are donated to blind, orphan pandas and no money is pocketed by any member at all, like seriously none at all. Absolutely zero.

Due to the rockstar lifestyle lived by the band, many can’t handle the lifestyle, or simply don’t like another person in the band, which leads to a high turnover rate for the members. So as of  3 minutes ago on March 15, here is the current lineup for beats.

At the saxophone and bongos, respectively, are the “twins” Luis Duran and Luis Martinez. When asked why they have different last names, one claims to have a different father and the other claims to have a different mother, but they both have glasses and sit next to each other, so it’s legit.

At guitar is the boy George Arroyo, no relation to Boy George, who is the residential bad boy of the group. According to an ‘anonymous’ source named Benjamin Groch, George walks on old men’s gardens in his free time and doesn’t return his shopping carts. Also, something about 2 assault charges, I don’t know, Groch sent the info through a pigeon, which took a while to poop out the note.

Playing the trumpet and all of our hearts, the Justin Timberlake of Beats, Exavier “OMG IS THAT REALLY HIM” De La Cruz. I’m sorry, it’s just that this guy is so amazing that I’m lost for words. I’m really doing this article just to get his autograph.

He may not be upright, but he is grand. Playing piano is perky, pesky, and partying Esteven Estrada. Don’t let the goofy smile and memes fool you, Esteven may seem like the goofball of the group, but he is really a practicer of Nihilism. He parties and memes to hide his pain and internal struggle of realizing that nothing in this world truly matters.

Awwwwwww look at this baby face. He’s adorableeee(cough) I mean here’s the drummer of the group, Gabriel Delgado.

At bass is Erick-wait what?! BREAK NEWS: Bass player for Beats, Erick Galvan, has left to pursue a mariachi band career in Jalisco, Mexico. Beats is currently looking for a new bass player. UPDATE: The Beats search for a new bass player is over. They have signed Erick Galvan, a former mariachi band member, he left the mariachi band due to his hate of groups, to replace former bass player Erick Galvan, wait.

And last but not least, playing the most important and difficult instrument, the shakers, is Yung O.H. a.ka. Old Head a.k.a. Benjamin Groch. Being the oldest in the group by a longgggshot, also a former pizza deliverer, his stint with the band will be short. He sees no future with this band and is planning to jump ship to a band named “Domino’s.”    

You can catch these boys performing every Wednesday in the band room after school.