By Styles Avant-Pinkston ’19
Backstreet Boys? More like get back in the streets, boys. NSYNC? More like out of sync. One Direction? More like go one direction and never come back. BTS? More like BLTs because that is what they’re going to be making when they are made unemployed by the next hot, new boy band. Oh
These boys, and one man, have been making a buzz on the underground scene with their iconic and show stopping performances at Pritzker’s talent shows, the equivalent of, like, two American Idols and half of America’s Got Talent, that would make every boy band go “Bye Bye Bye.” Word on the street is that Beats doesn’t even perform their own songs. They remix a popular song and make it 10x better, thus making it their own or a “G-MIX” as the boys call it. Due to the band not releasing their taxes, it is not known if profit is being made off these performances. If so, that would be highly illegal and would make this band the hardest, gangsterest boy band of all-time–that’s hardcore, man. UPDATE: I’ve been informed by men in black suits that any profit made by Beats’ performances are donated to blind, orphan pandas and no money is pocketed by any member at all, like seriously none at all. Absolutely zero.
Due to the rockstar lifestyle lived by the band, many can’t handle the lifestyle, or simply don’t like another person in the band, which leads to a high turnover rate for the members. So as of 3 minutes ago on March 15, here is the current lineup for beats.
At the saxophone and bongos, respectively, are the “twins” Luis Duran and Luis Martinez. When asked why they have different last names, one claims to have a different father and the other claims to have a different mother, but they both have glasses and sit next to each other, so it’s legit.
Playing the trumpet and all of our hearts, the Justin Timberlake of Beats, Exavier “OMG IS THAT REALLY HIM” De La Cruz. I’m sorry, it’s just that this guy is so amazing that I’m lost for words. I’m really doing this article just to get his autograph.
He may not be upright, but he is grand. Playing piano is perky, pesky, and partying
At bass is Erick-wait what?! BREAK NEWS: Bass player for Beats, Erick Galvan, has left to pursue a mariachi band career in Jalisco, Mexico. Beats is currently looking for a new bass player. UPDATE: The Beats search for a new bass player is over. They have signed Erick Galvan, a former mariachi band member, he left the mariachi band due to his hate of groups, to replace former bass player Erick Galvan, wait.
And last but not least, playing the most important and difficult instrument, the shakers, is Yung O.H. a.ka. Old Head a.k.a. Benjamin Groch. Being the oldest in the group by a
You can catch these boys performing every Wednesday in the band room after school.