SATIRE: Jag Cafe: Food You CANNOT Miss Out On!

A picture of the salad bar at the Jaguar Cafe

By Styles Avant-Pinkston ’19

The Jag Cafe is a small, Mexican cafe located in Hermosa and has been a staple of the community since 2006. The Jag Cafe is a very exclusive restaurant that requires you to have a Pritzker Membership card–I’m assuming someone from the Pritzker family owns this cafe. With all that being said, the Jag Cafe has weird hours, tons of hidden propaganda for the Pritzker Military Museum and  Library©, horrible customer service, and food that makes you feel like you are in high school again.

Now, the Jag Cafe has some of the weirdest hours I’ve ever experienced from a restaurant. In order to even eat from the cafe, you must have a membership card, which you’ll receive after taking something called “fresh man testing”–which I guess is measuring if you are fresh enough to eat there, a weird requirement. After that, they give you books and homework, which is also weird, but I guess it is a marketing ploy for the Pritzker family to promote their Pritzker Military Museum and  Library©–they didn’t become richer than us by slacking, am I right?

After you receive your membership card you would think it’s dining time, right? Wrong. The Jag Cafe really wants your mouth to water, so they give you a full-day schedule filled with classes–wow the Pritzker family is really promoting that Pritzker Military Museum and  Library©– that are around 72 minutes each. It is a bold strategy, but it works, as there are many other members who participate in the schedule. Also, depending on how long you have been a member, you eat at the cafe at different times.

After a long day of Pritzker Military Museum and  Library© propaganda–seriously dudes, we get it–I finally get to eat at the Jag Cafe! I was shocked when I walked into the cafe and saw the long lines, which clearly meant there was some top notch comida. That’s Spanish for food, right? I fell asleep during the language class. The line seemed big, though, since the cafe is small and seems to be on a hill large enough for Tony Hawk to shred it. Nevertheless, the excitement builds as I get ready to try what everyone is raving about. I walk to the employee and ask for a burrito, but she hands me a hard piece of pizza and asks if I want carrots. Um, ok, I guess? At least the food was free after I swiped my membership card.

After receiving my food, I try to look for a seat by myself before I realize something: There’s a social hierarchy in the Jag Cafe, and where who you sit with decides if you’re cool or not. So, quickly, I sit with the members who seem the most athletic–they seem like they can be at least Division 4 stars. Now that I placed myself near the top of the hierarchy–maybe the cooler you are the more options you get?–I take a bite of the pizza. The hard crust takes a bite back at me and leaves my tooth chipped. Wow, this is the Level 1+ cafe everyone has been clamoring over? Unbelievable. I still finish the pizza because of the hunger I held in all day from the books and serving in the army. If I wanted education shoved down my throat instead of good food, I would just go to high school.    

I give the Jag Cafe a ⅖ stars and don’t recommend going unless you like books, though I do know a good place for books.

  • Address: 4131 W Cortland St.
  • Phone number: (773) 394-2848
  • Hours: Monday-Thursday 10:54 a.m.-1:18 p.m., depending on your membership.